Hello....

well....ive been here at college for a little over 3 months. dead week is next week and finals are the week after. then comes my winter break. im having problems scheduling for next semester due to being one of the very last people to be allowed to schedule on top of trying to transfer into engineering here at purdue. (which i cant even take 2 of the classes i need until im accepted, but i wont find out until sometime during my break :/ ). ill hopefully get straight B's this semester, which is quite good. been 'indirectly' rejected alot by girls i suppose....and seeing as me and mandy broke up a while back...im feeling very alone and lonely and stuff right now because no one, even my parents, shows me even a little 'love' and comfort...so im all alone basically...

mandy started to talk to me again after not talking for about 2 months the friday before last. she kept telling me how she missed me and wishes that we could have worked and how, in a couple years, when my parents are hopefully not so much a controlling factor of my life, that we could be together again...we saw each other the next weekend (i had thanksgiving break, although i wasnt very thankful for anything seeing as i had such a bad weekend....mostly thanks to my parents...). with seeing her....it was nice....but it was a little awkward because since starting to talk with her again....my feelings for her started to come back...at this point (that im writing this) i think they may entirely be back... anyways...she kinda got bitchy to me after seeing each other and i decided to confront her about it. I did this on monday/tuesday. we ended up deciding to see each other as soon as possible when i got back for my break...spend a whole night together and stuff (mostly just so that we could be alone together and give the other some 'love' that neither of us have felt or been given since we were last together). but by thursday night, she was becoming quite avoiding of me...so i confronted her about this...(i had begun to think way too much on it and just needed to get it out) turns out my thinking was right....she was having second thoughts about getting back together. which, btw, ive decided to stay entirely single for a good while (and im going to stick to this decision this time. I WILL) so im not going back to her anytime soon. **also. when me and her officially broke up, i told myself that i wouldnt go back to her bc of her and my parents not getting along so well, the distance, how im always having some sort of problem with her, and how i just seem to get hurt in some way when it comes to her every time...** but...recently...i keep on thinking about breaking this 'decision'...and the truth is...im REALLY perfectly okay with breaking it....i know i keep going back to her and i get hurt EVERY time basically...but......well....im thinking its starting to become really possible that i LOVE her...im not sure though...and i cant seem to come to a decision..so im not going to say that i truly do love her and want to be with her forever now, but...it is a possibility.... anyways...shes having second thoughts about being together again, and i confronted her about it. we kinda started to argue i guess...and decided not to talk to each other for a few days to 'clear the air'....and all i can do is think about HER now...like i did when we dated and like right after breaking up...all i want to do is talk to her, and be with her, hold her in my arms, love her, show her how much she means to me and how i NEVER want to lose her... im just SOO sad right now....

it turns out that theres a greater and greater possibility of her coming here to purdue for college starting next fall...i honestly am hoping that things are TRULY worked out for us in a good way by that time...because...well...if she comes to purdue for school, the distance problem will be entirely solved basically and my parents wont be a factor because they cant do shit about what i want to do while im here. i dont care. i think i truly want to be with her. yes, i know that i really would like to be with noelle...but....theres a part of me that knows being with her will go nowhere in the end, which im fine with. its just that when it comes to noelle, all i want is to seriously date her for a while. at least a couple months.

ill end this here. if any of you read this. thank you for listening to a really messed up guy rant about his problems. and if you actually care. even more thanks to you. because it means alot to me.